Resolutions: I Am Blessed by My Losses

Written January 1st, 2018

2017 taught me many things about myself. It taught me how to grow (in the most organic and non-cliche “new year, new me” way). It taught me how to love. It taught me patience, perseverance, and strength. Most importantly, 2017 showed me the difficult lessons that I didn’t want to learn; or rather have been putting off for a very long time. 

I’m blessed. Not in a materialistic sense. Sure, I can sit here and name off items I possess or experiences I’ve lived and list the reasons why I am unworthy. On the contrary, I am blessed by what I do not possess. I’m blessed by my losses. 

I was lucky to be in love with someone who opened doors for me. For the first time in my life, I’ve traveled to exotic places. I’ve taken planes and boats and cars and I’ve seen things I’d otherwise not been able to. I was in love with this thrill of a better life. I was in love with this escape from my reality. I was in love with the chase…or rather the run; because that’s what I did in 2017. I ran.

I ran from my responsibilities, from confrontation, from things that were supposed to better myself. Looking back, maybe it was because I had a self-destructive personality. Maybe it was because I didn’t deem myself worthy of the great things I was capable of. Maybe I used the excuses of my upbringing to talk myself out of growing. Maybe I was just scared. 

2017 started off just as any other year: in the arms of a man I absolutely adored, surrounded by familiar faces, looking forward to the new semester at university, working the same waitress job, just casually coasting by. But that was the problem. I was comfortable.

I was comfortable in my relationship. I was comfortable with my friend group. I was comfortable with my job, my education, my life.

Think about your comfort zone as your bedroom. You have a beautiful queen size bed dosed in sheets with an ungodly thread count, your 42″ HDTV that plays all the top shows and movies hangs right above you, you’re surrounded by all your favorite items and gadgets and everything in your bedroom is just as you’d like it. But there are no windows. There’s no sunlight. This may not bother you at first because you aren’t worried about what’s going on behind the comfort of your bedroom door. But dear, nothing can grow without proper sunlight. 

I spent years trying to convince myself that there will be a next time. Pushing things to the side because I just wasn’t ready for the commitment. I wasn’t ready for the jump. It wasn’t until I was forced to pick up my broken pieces and move forward when I was able to see the strength in the mirror.

To bounce off my last post, heartbreak can be our greatest motivators. It is howwe move forward that defines our strength. 

I lost my greatest motivator in 2017. I lost a great support system in 2017. I lost people I never thought in a million years I’d lose. I saw a side of people I never thought I’d see. But losing those people only forced me to pick up where they left off and carry on- and crossing that emotional hump and realizing that it is all you from here on out…well that’s a motivator all to itself. 

I refuse to go into the new year picking up the pieces someone else left for me. I refuse to go into the new year doing someone else’s dirty work. I refuse to stay stagnant and continue to sail through. I refuse to question my abilities. I refuse to wait any longer. 

I am blessed by my losses, but I will be made whole with what I build from the rubble.